RUNNING

I don't know about you, but it seems to me that most of my life has been spent running. Running away from many things. Both real and imagined things. Both good and bad things.

On the surface of it, the running takes some sophisticated and even respectable names. Sometimes I call it ambition, sometimes I call it 'my nature', sometimes I call it 'living my best life', and other such fancy names. But in the stillness of my soul, when the waters have stopped churning, I hear the whisper: running.

Running.

So much for my show and talk of boldness. Inside me is a fear of confronting the very things I am running from. All it takes is for me to imagine, 'Deborah, the Philistines are upon you!' and off I will be gone. Never waiting to establish whether the Philistines were really there or not.

So much has been my running that I hardly know what it is to be still. And therein lies the misery and bitter tragedy of my life: that I have missed so much in life because of running.

But this has been the mercy of the Lord.

I don't know very much about God, but this I have known to be true: He will often thrust you, or allow you to thrust yourself, into the very waters of the Nile, where you will come face to face with your fears.

Ah, the agony. Ah, the betrayal.

Lord, I thought You were on my side. You were not supposed to cast me into the Nile or throw me among the dogs. You were supposed to protect me from my fears. Hide me from my terrors! But no. Such is not always the wisdom of God. Indeed his ways are not our ways, neither are His thoughts our thoughts.

Oftentimes, it is the wisdom and glory of God to allow us to come face to face with our fears.

In facing my fears, I have experienced the chagrin and relief of discovering that some of the things I was running from were merely phantoms and mists with no substance. Consequently I have felt the foolishness and regret of wasting time running away from mist. Missing so much goodness and rest while running away from wind.

Then there have been occasions when I faced my fears and discovered that, lo! I was stronger than my fears. Much like Samson, who upon being called upon 'Samson the philistines are upon you,' woke up from his sleep and cut loose the new cords on his hands as though they were mere threads. I have known the exhilaration of discovering that I was actually stronger, and that I could overcome my fears quite easily when I applied myself.

But then there have been times when I stopped to face my fears and discovered that, indeed, they were giants before a small girl. These were not phantoms of my imagination. Neither were they small things that I could simply shake off. No. These were the kind of giants before whom Samson wakes up only to discover that he is just a mere man, surrounded by a horde of enemies, with nothing in him to face them.

I have felt the despair of not knowing what to do. I have felt the horror of not knowing where to run to. And even when I knew where to run to, I have felt the inability to run. I have known the terror of seeing the very things I was running from finally seize me. I know the choking grip they have held on my neck. I have known the silent and not-so-silent gasping for breath and calling out for help.

I HAVE KNOWN THE SILENCE OF GOD WATCHING ME DIE.

I have known the feeling of my blood running cold in my veins. I have known what it feels like to die. To die a thousand deaths before I finally died.

But I have also tasted resurrection.

I have known the feeling of being overcome and killed by the very things I feared and ran away from. I have also known resurrection. I know what it is to hear a voice speak to me, Talitha cumi. I know what it is to feel my blood grow warm again as life begins to pulsate through me. I know what it is to open my eyes from darkness to light. I know what it is to hear Him ask me, 'Where are they who condemned thee?' and to look around and see none.

They were gone.

I know what it is to come to life again, and to realise that the fears that once killed me have no power over me anymore.

And now I know that I never have to run again.